JOHN EDWARDS' ALL-STAR TRIBUTE PACKET FROM BELTWAY BANDITS TOURNAMENT 10/95 Author's note: This is meant to be a packet which should be taken very lightly. It will make fun of people, perhaps even you. No format is left untouched, not its fervent partisans. When I do make fun, it is not meant to be malicious, at least in most instances. See, if you missed the subtle humor there, you might want to skip this. The TUs are somewhat OK, but I like the bonuses for sheer entertainment value. Have fun, and don't take it too seriously. - John TOSSUPS 1. Despite a brief stint as a student at Harvard, this player never really played for that team. While some may remember this player began at MIT, she would not really break out from her cocoon until she became a Bronco, with a Spartan sabbatical most recently. FTP, name this wild member of the WMU squad, a special favorite in this author's book. A: Julie STAHLHUT 2. As members of the world of academic competition, we all know that interruptions are part of the game, albeit an unfortunate one. But last year, one player managed to turn interruptions into an art form, when he went a baffling 13-41, perhaps intentionally. FTP, name this player who is not Andrew Yaphe or Matt Colvin, a player for UNC-Wilmington. A: Jonathan ROWELL 3. After seeing his wife in action, marraige might not be such a bad thing after all. It is not uncommon to eat and drink while you play. It is more unusual for your moderator to do it. But when your wife brings you a thermos of Spaghetti-Os and a thermos of bloody marys while you read, that's something special. FTP, identify this Iowa State standout with a wonderful life partner. A: J.L. NELSON 4. Not Jennie Rosenbaum Matthews, but Carol Guthrie, Christine Gorowara, Jen Wadsack, and Sharon Tuttle. FTP, what common bond do these women have in common? A: All are academic competitors who have GIVEN BIRTH (accept equivalent) 5. The last name sounds the same. There is no evidence that these two have ever met, considering that they are separated by thousands of miles. One is a former military man who returned to school, the other a former member of the Georgia Tech squad. While they have many differences, one would say that one vowel does it. FTP, give the shared name of BYU's Norm and GT's Scott. A: GILLESPIE/GILLISPIE 6. Matt Colvin felt betrayed. Not only had this man violated a central rule of ACF philosophy when he wrote a packet with variable value bonuses, but he also referred to a Renaissance art figure with the phrase "baby got back." It was a wonder Matt was able to win on an ACF packet written by, FTP, what contributor to the infamous Colvin-Obstgarten ego match? A: Tom WATERS 7. FQTP, who wrote "Who Wrote Paradise Lost?" A: JOHNS HOPKINS (C is correct, but not needed) 8. The University of Maryland-College Park, Stanford, Wisconsin-Madison, Minnesota, UC-Fresno, Virginia, and Davidson College. FTP, what special distinction do they have in common? A: All were CBI CHAMPIONS 9. With the constant flame wars on the newsgroup, you sometimes forget that the partisans of both ACF and CBI were able to come together last year for a cause. However, they proceeded to ridicule an individual who just wanted to know why there were so many science questions and so little theatrical lighting questions. FTP, name this James Madison player who received a verbal whipping on both sides. A: Deb FULLER 10. The Senate has been working on a Decency in Communications Act that would help stop obscene and erotic pictures spreading on the Internet. We are saddened to hear such legislation did not arrive in time to stop one player from giving us the gift of his GIF in an attempt to flirt with Ted Scheurzinger. FTP, name this Chicago alumnus and banking powerhouse. A: Sendhil REVULURI 11. Pencil and paper may be needed: Take the number of Penn Bowls played as of this date, add the number of CBI Championships won by Minnesota, subtract the number of ACF Nationals held, and multiply the number of players BYU brings to CBI Nationals who are allowed to play on Saturdays. FTP, what number do you get? A: 20 (5+3-4*5) 12. This player has had a career which has gone through many phases. After several attempts to get to CBI Nationals in his region, he shifted to a perennial powerhouse and got a chance to go to Nationals. Now he plays for a school which doesn't even play CBI. FTP, identify this Fighting Quaker, Colonial, and Terrapin. A: David VACCA 13. The last name's the same. At 1994 CBI Nationals, these two players were thought to be cousins, although there were little similarities. One was a quiet, unassuming player from Illinois, while the other was the black-clad anchor of his team and the tournament's high scorer. FTP, what is the common last name of Lee and Robert. A: MARGOLIS 14. Besides the Bruces, there are not many sibling combinations in the CB world. Earlier in 1995, however, this person's sister appeared from nowhere on the CB newsgroup to congratulate her brother on his regional win, amusing many net watchers. FTP, if you don't know him now, what is the name of our Tournament Director? A: James DINAN 15. Spelling question: At the University of Michigan, they have a certain player who is named Mitchell Szczepanczyk (sch-pine-chick). FTP, take a deep breath, and spell Mitchell. A: M-I-T-C-H-E-L-L 16. At the last MLK Tournament, if you looked at the individual stats, you may have been confused by the names of Old Salty and Pappy on the list. Not many picked up that this team decided to use the names of characters from the classic film "Cabin Boy" as their aliases. FTP, name this team which does not have Earl Hobert, but does have Jon Saluta and Larry Sorrels on the team. A: UNIVERSITY OF NORTH CAROLINA - CHAPEL HILL 17. Ronald McDonald looks good in red and yellow. But these colors on the player earned him the curious distinction of being voted the player who most resembled the Sun at the 1995 Midwest ACF Regionals. FTP, identify this trash player and CBI friend from Pitt. A: Joe WRIGHT 18. An odd coincidence happened at ACF Nationals in 1995. It is strange if a player's name is an answer at that tournament, but it is even more unusual if your cat is an answer. More specifically, if you named your cat after an ancient ruler whose name appeared in that tournament. FTP, name this once and always Chicago star who refused to get his cats fixed for the longest time. A: John SHEAHAN 19. You may have thought that WAC was an artifact from WWII, but in modern CB usage, it denoted the "Women in Academic Competition" group which was started up by a certain high-scoring ACF star and club leader. FTP, name this Emory star. A: Christine MORITZ 20. FTP, give your best impersonation of any member of your opposing team. A: Moderator discretion BONII 1. (25) One of the most feared and respected teams on the Masters circuit is Three Boys and a Goy, which strikes fear into the hearts of their much younger opponents. FFPE and a bonus five for all, name the four members of that team. A: Dan FULLER, Lorin BURTE, Chris GOHEEN, Victor ROSENBERG 2. (20) Given the phobia, name the sufferer FFPE. A. Madwiccanphobia: the fear that Doug O'Neal will chastise you for playing in a tournament solo. B. Flannellustphobia: the fear that wearing your pajamas to tournaments will leave the men a quivering mass of jelly unable to play. (Two possible answers) C. Terrapinpencilphobia: fear that an enraged Terrapin might assault you with a deadly leaden object as you moderate D. Antiscatologicalphobia: the fear that ACF editors will take out all your question about urine and the erotic adventures of ancient deities. A: Tom WATERS, Marg QUINN or Alice CHOU, Gary GREENBAUM, Albert WHITED 3. (30) OK, you have seen Rob and Frank's list of the attractive college bowlers. But it is your turn now. Pay attention. On a sheet of paper, write down the most attractive male and most attractive female in academic competition, so long as you still respect their playing ability. You may not consult with your team. For each category, if two agree - 5 pts, three agree- 10 pts, all four- 15 pts. You have 30 seconds. A: Depends, who knows? 4. (25) Given a quote someone may utter, name the speaker FFPE A. "I'm sorry Rob, but I'm not that kind of art history major!" B. "I can beat up my sister! And outdrink her too! At least in Tulsa I might." C. "I wanted to be the Manute Bol of academic competition, but I can't get any smarmy, egotistical quotes from him." D. "They called Einstein crazy too, but I'll show them all. Points Created WILL work." E. Why is this Jim Dendy character threatening my life? It reminds me of a story Groucho told me at a dinner long ago..." A: Guy JORDAN, Matt BRUCE, Shawn ASKEW, Pat MATTHEWS, Dick CAVETT 5. (20) FFPE, name the undergraduate institutions of these players best known for their graduate careers. A. Peter Freeman A: UC-BERKELEY B. Clay Davenport A: VIRGINIA C. Steve Wang A: CORNELL D. David Dixon A: NORTHEAST MISSOURI STATE 6. (30) The category: people with too much time on their hands. Given a useful but time-consuming activity, name the person responsible FFPE. A. Top 25 poll B. With Scott Gillispie, a new poll ranking system C. His special list of question frequencies and diagnostic tests D. Tournament schedule E. FAQ F. Author of this packet A: Mike HAYNES, Rob COFFEY, Eric HILLEMANN, Mike STARSINIC, Pat MATTHEWS, John EDWARDS 7. (30) 30-20-10 Name the team 30: Although often accused for writing the worst question of all time, "How old must you be to receive a moped license in South Carolina?", members of this team vigorously have denied the claim and have proved their innocence. 20: An unlucky draw in the 1995 CBI Regionals helped put this team out of reach for the Region 5 playoffs. 10: Members of this team include Seth Kimball and the smooth-tongued Phil Groce. A: UNIVERSITY OF MEMPHIS 8. (20) At a local bookstore, the memoirs of CBers. Given the title, name the likely author FFPE. A. "Alphabet Soup: My Personal Struggles Against CURs and VVBs" B. "Scott Gillispie Sucks: The Wit and Wisdom from the Dorothy Parker of Academic Competition." C. "Geek Like You: Why ACFers are geeks, and Why I, a Practicing Attorney and Star Trek Fiend, Am Not" D. "The Academia of Obscure New York Radio Personalities: A Hegelian Perspective" A: Matt COLVIN, Rebecca GOLDEN, Elliot FERTIK, Mike OBSTGARTEN 9. (25) FFPE, identify the coaching figure or chaperone from the following schools. A. Wisconsin A: Mark ZIMMER B. Minnesota A: Dave DORMAN C. Texas A&M A: Candace BENEFIEL D. Harvard A: Jordan KATINE E. Illinois A: Dan STOFFEL 10. (30) 30-20-10, name the person 30: This person is currently the Administrative Assistant to the Regional Vice-President of Templeton and Associates. It sounds better than it is. 20: Served as tournament director for Penn Bowl IV 10: Was a co-director for Philly Experiment II in between her bridal gown fittings. A: Jennie Rosenbaum MATTHEWS 11. (20) Given the fabled traveling mishap, name the team FTP. A. On their way to Penn Bowl IV, their car flipped over several times on the icy roads. The car suffered some damage but the Judge was perfectly fine. B. While driving to the 1991 Minnesota tournament, this team drove into one of that state's worst blizzards. When arriving at the tournament site after a horrible drive, they found out the evening rounds were cancelled. A: GEORGIA TECH, UNIVERSITY OF CHICAGO 12. (30) The next generation of CBers has already been born, but after a few glasses of wine, we begin to think of some other children of the new generation. Given the description of a fictional child, name the parents, TPE. Note that some children are products of same-sex unions. This is called poetic license. Do not try this at home. A. Baruch has a love for classical music, physics, and Spinoza, but he also enjoys jumping on his pogo stick listening to Devo. B. Jane's always changing hair colors. It embarrasses her so much that she has resorted to wearing funny fuzzy Russian hats to cover her shame. C. Bobby inherited the West Coast ACF newsletter at the University of Maryland-West Coast (formerly Berkeley), but he has also used it to write angry letters to TV Guide. A: Vishnu JEJJALA and Julie STAHLHUT, Pat FRIEL and Ted SCHEURZINGER, Gaius STERN and Don REID 13. It's time for some fun with connection. You know how they work. First one's 5 points, second one's 10, third one's 15. A. Former UVA coach and a new Ohio State player B. GWU player and a Harvard player/manager C. Williams player and a BYU coach A: TOM MICHAEL STARSINIC, GUY JORDAN KATINE, RICH FLYNN ELLIOTT (Rich Flynn and Lynn Elliott) 14. (20) FTPE, name the originator of the helpful ftp site and name the person who took that ftp site over. A: Peter FREEMAN, Paul HARM 15. (30) Chanel, Dior, Lagerfeld, DeGivenchy, Gaultier, and us. GIven the fashion statement, name the person FTPE. A. This philosophy student might take the words of Nietschze to heart if he keeps wearing that shirt around. B. His Swarthmore hat betrays his true allegiance, and he also manages to put a tie on his stuffed animal. C. My grandma knitted me an afghan, but his grandma gives him personal sweaters that are the rage of many. A: Randy BUEHLER, Dwight KIDDER, Nick MEYER 16. (30) Alex Trebek brings us the next bonus. Name the CBers who were on the small screen and the Jeopardy! show FTPE. A. My grandparents loved him on the Tournament on Champions, but he shocked many with his lack of knowledge of Sports Illustrated swimsuit models. B. A second place finish earned him a trip to Hawaii. And Josh Boorstein was the lucky guest on his trip. C. A former MD player, he almost won his day if not for his confusion over King Herod. A: Jeff STEWART, Jim DENDY, Matt BAKER 17. (30) F30P, at the moderator's discretion, perform a recreation of a net flamewar. You must do it in context of a Shakespeare play, Faulkner novel, or Dickinson poem. Moderator will award from 1-30 points based on originality, content, and adherance to the real wars. You have two minutes to prepare. 18. (30) More book titles. TPE A. "Picking Up Chicks the Illinois Way or Appreciating Feminine Beauty" B. "Michael Jordan and Me: Chicago Retirements that were Meaningless" C. "Do I Exist: The Myth and Legend of Virginia's Hidden Player" A: Andy WANG, John SHEAHAN, Brian ROSTRON 19. (20) Last bonus: F20P, all or nothing. Choose one player from your team. Now choose a player on the other team. (Continue after choice is made). Now armwrestle. If your player wins, 20 points. If your player loses, the other team gets 10 points.